Just Another Dirty Hippie With Long Hair
by Jules Kelly
Summary: [Oneshot] The true story of Rapunzel has finally leaked out. Warning: this will change your view of the longhaired beauty forever!


A/N: This was an assignment in my English class last year, so I decided I would post it here! Anyways, it's allbizarro worldmaterial, so don't get any ideas that it's about Rapunzel, the King's son, and their undying love. Anyways, enjoy!

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Stories that start with the two federal offenses of trespassing upon private property and grand theft flower are never too inviting, but sometimes we are forced to face the truth such as it is and accept it. This is how Rapunzel's true story started as I, Brenda G. Gothel, otherwise known as "The Witch," watched a young hoodlum climb up my seven foot stone wall and jump into my yard. He then proceeded to my prize-winning rampion bushes where with a quick gleam of steel, I was forced to watch in horror as a pair of scissors severed the life of a few of the beautiful flowers. 

Now, what was an old lady such as myself supposed to do about my babies being destroyed right in front of my eyes? I wasn't too sure on what plan of action to take, but I instinctively grabbed my knitting pins for defense and approached the intruder. He nearly jumped out of his skin when I spoke to him.

"Now, listen here, you little whippersnapper," I said, my voice shaking slightly. "You better get on out of here, or I'll call the royal guard."

I didn't really think that he would buy my threat, so I was completely surprised when he fell on his knees and begged me to spare his life. See, he thought that I was a witch and that the knitting pins that I carried were two powerful magic devices that I wouldn't hesitate to use on a helpless fool such as himself.

He spilled the complete story to me in a matter of two minutes. It seems that my rampion flowers had leaves that could not just be used for lettuce in a salad, but people could also crush them, roll them into a cigarette, and smoke them until they thought they were the Queen of England. The man said that his wife was having a craving for the plant and thought she would die if she didn't have a smoke, so he scaled my wall and risked his life for her addiction.

I decided that I would let the junkie go without calling the Royal Guard, but I just couldn't let him endanger the lifestyles of others. I had heard recently that his wife was pregnant, so I told him that I would let him go on the condition that when their child was born, I could have her. He agreed too quickly for a good parent, so I didn't feel all that bad about it.

After a few months, the woman gave birth to a beautiful baby girl with the longest blonde hair that I had ever seen on a newborn baby. It went down past her shoulders! I've heard a few myths that say drug babies are born with such special features, and I now have to say the myth is approved.

Having no experience at parenting, I wasn't exactly sure where to start. We moved to a new neighborhood just in case her parents decided to push their unholy virtues off on her. This new town was called Specter, and Rapunzel with her extensively long blonde tresses soon became the most popular and well-liked in town. It wasn't until she was twelve that I began to question why she was all the rage.

One day, I came home from picking fruit in the forest to find Rapunzel's door locked. I knocked three times, but no answer came. Panicking, I used all the force that an old lady could muster to knock the door down off its hinges. I was greeted by the site of Rapunzel and the mayor of the town with more than just his hands up.

It was then that I discovered that it wasn't just the mayor that Rapunzel had been providing services to but also every man in town no matter what the age. What was a parent supposed to do in this situation? I wasn't sure, so I first approached her on her bad morals and virtues. She gave me some long winded speech about free love and world peace, so I decided the best place to take her was the tower.

The tower had been left to me by my father in his will, and I never really thought that I would have much use for it until now. I put her in the very top of the tower with a Bible and prayed to God for the rest. There were no stairs up to the top chamber, and I don't feel like explaining the elaborate plan that I had to come up with to get her to the top, but after she was up there, I used her long hair as a sort of make-shift ladder. All that I would have to do is yell:

"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair so that I may climb the golden stairs!"

It was corny, I know, and that's probably why she choose it. She loved to make me look and feel like an idiot. It is a well-known fact that all girls like to make their mothers feel like morons.

This idea worked for quite a long time, but I noticed that Rapunzel wasn't show any signs of unhappiness with her current situation. I would have thought that she would have jumped out of the window to escape by now, but she was content right where she was.

One day, I was up in the tower visiting with her like a good mother should, and she started talking to me and accidentally let her secret out.

"Tell me, Dame Gothel, how it happens that you are so much heavier for me to draw up than the young King's son," she said in her squeaky little voice.

I was enraged to say the least. Not only did she admit to disobeying my orders, but she also threw in a fat joke just for fun. As it turned out, the King's son had secretly watched me one day, figured out how I got into the tower, and used my way to get up to Rapunzel. I figured her reputation had spread into his far lands, and he had come to see if she was as good as everyone said she was. She certainly didn't disappoint as he had been up there numerous times and had even brought the Royal Guard on several occasions.

Once again, I was faced with a parental dilemma, so I decide to shave off all the beautiful hair that had allowed her to sin and sent Rapunzel to the desert where all of the delinquent children would go with the hope that they could one day be straightened out.

As for the King's son, I decided to play a trick on the boy and fastened Rapunzel's incredibly long braid to the window and sent it down when he chanted the little rhyme. He was so shocked to see an old woman instead of his hot little piece of eye candy that he fell backwards out the window. He landed in some thorn bushes and lost his eyesight. Smelling a lawsuit, I skipped town.

Off course, the King's son met up with Rapunzel in the desert. Supposedly, he gained his eyesight back when Rapunzel wept on his face, but actually, she just put a couple of drops of rampion juice into his eyes. Not only did this heal his injury, but it also made him highly addicted to the difficult to grow plant. He searched the world for anyone in the world who could grow this rare plant, which happened to be me. Sure, Rapunzel and the King's son got their happy ending, but I'm getting so rich off this rampion drug ring that a great argument could be made on who was more successful.


End file.
